Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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