It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
