Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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