people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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