Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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