So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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