I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
