I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
