Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
