i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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