life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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