The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
