I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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