wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
