I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
