Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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