if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
