Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Randomize
