I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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