Do you still have your period?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
