when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize