hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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