If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
