I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
