apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
