my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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