Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
