you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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