and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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