I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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