Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
it's like heaven, but drunker
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
