ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
