I'm really into asian looking animals
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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