My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
