Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize