Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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