matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
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