God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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