I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
