mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I have tasted many bathrooms
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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