Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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