A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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