your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
