if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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