I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
