I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
