my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
