The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
