Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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