she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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