You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
