so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
