I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
