at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
did i just pee glitter
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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