Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
