and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize