He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize